I finally made it back. I never thought I would get out. My license was about to expire, so the day after my last post I went to the DMV to get my picture taken. I just got out. I know the DMV is known to have long wait times, but after day 25 I started to get a little frustrated and questioned an employee. It turns out I was supposed to take a ticket when I arrived and wait for my number to be called. After I got my ticket, I was next in line. After 5 minutes, I was free!
In my absence, Rob’s questions have been piling up on my desk. I feel like I need to ignore the dates and answer them in the order of urgency. With that said, Rob’s question for today is… Is a snowman’s blood water?
Okay, Rob.. here is the thing.. This is very top secret information that I am only sharing because I think you should know the truth. In order to accurately answer your question, I sought out the best and only self proclaimed snowman expert in the world, Tony Micelli.. not to be confused with Tony Danza’s character on Who’s the Boss? He gets that all the time.
I had the opportunity to interview Tony (the snowman expert not Danza) on the history of snowmen this morning via FaceTime. He is now living in Colorado and is writing his third novel. He explained that in the beginning of time, snowmen were about as common as deer and small rodents like squirrels and chipmunks all over the US. He said it wasn’t until a cranky CEO of a large plow truck company on the west coast realized he had found his calling as a hand model that the snowman became more and more rare.
This CEO who we will call Carl, needed a way to get rid of everything that made his company successful so he could abandon it without any repercussions and continue to pursue his career as a hand model. He needed to get rid of the snow. If there was no snow, there was no company and no one could possibly blame him for a change in temperature. He also thought a warmer climate would be better to keep his hands moisturized and in tip top condition for photo shoots.
Carl spent many long minutes (approximately 6) deciding where he should start. His first thought was getting rid of all the snowmen he could find. Snowmen were a sign of joy and he just wanted people to see the inconveniences of snow.. not the joy that could be found in it.
He soon realized when he poured hot water on a snowman, it’s magic water blood melted everything around it. Soon, all of the snowmen were gone and their blood helped to water the land and make the grass green and plants and flowers grow. He closed his company and his employees started seeking work in landscaping.
Carl had everything he wanted. He was making millions in the modeling industry and his ex employees found jobs cutting grass and picking weeds rather than plowing snow. This is why we rarely see snow in the part of the west coast where Carl previously ran his snow plow business.
As Carl grew older, his hands became too wrinkled to model anymore and he was left with nothing but the memory of his earlier life. He took a trip to New York in January of that year to remember his younger days. He saw all of the children building snowmen and what happiness it brought them. It is said that he promptly turned himself into the police and is now at Riker’s serving 4 consecutive life sentences. In an exclusive prime time interview from his icy cold prison cell, he told the world that if he could do it over he would have never taken a drop of blood from a snowman.
Tony tells me there will be a march in New York and many other cities around the country in the coming weeks to raise awareness for snowman rights. Thanks so much for reading and let me know in the comments what was for lunch today. Oh, and never eat yellow snow.